The Silent Killer

I haven't posted in a while because I've been a little ill and very down. I managed to get a bug which required rocket blaster antibiotics. These killed off all my good bacteria and gave me the worst dose of thrush I have had in a lot time. On top of that I was feeling so completely wiped out that I could just lie down and sleep for England - not something you can do with small children in the house.

I was having moments where my whole face felt grey and my eyes saggy. These feelings would come on quite quickly and leave me feeling like death warmed up. I suddenly realised that they were happening shortly after I had a sugary snack, like chocolate or jaffa cakes. Uh oh. I know what that means.

When I was pregnant I had diabetes. It runs in my family and I've always known I was likely to get it eventually. The thing about gestational diabetes is that it goes away, usually, once the children are born and you feel about 1000% better instantly. This full blown diabetes won't go away though, and I know I will never feel better again.

I still have my testing kit from 6 years ago, so I checked my blood sugar. The Clinistix are 5 years out of date, but they still gave a high reading. Three days in a row I got a reading above 6, when it should be more like 4. Today I went to the doctor and had a reading done on a modern blood sugar monitor. It seems my ancient Clinistix are reading low rather than high. That's double shit. They need to do some more tests but the writing is on the wall as far as I can see.

I can't tell you how depressed I am about this. I feel like I have been handed a death sentence. I know, it's just silly and you can live 40 years with diabetes, but I don't want to be ill for 40 years. I want to be healthy for 40 years. I already know how shit I'm going to feel as the disease gets worse. I've had it before, but this time there will be no release from the endless cycle of hyper and hypo and the irrational mood swings from sleepy to violent.

I suppose I should be grateful that I live in a modern world where insulin is abundantly available and my condition easily monitored, but right now I feel like suicide is almost preferable. My dreams of long treks in remote places become even more pipe dreams than they were before. Even a day trip away from home will shortly need to be planned around access to insulin. Weekends away and holidays become a major undertaking, which need to include a fridge. Camping is only feasible with a really good cool-box. A broken insulin vial can stuff up a trip before you can say "You can't take that syringe on the plane".

Long term I'm looking at poor circulation in hands and feet, numerous infections, retinal damage and possible blindness, and lastly internal organ damage leading to heart attacks and finally death at an age much younger than I'd intended to make it to.

Let's face it: I'm fucked. What's more, I'm totally pissed off about it too.

Chicken and egg

A week's holiday is good for the soul. Already I have lost 4lb, just by not being at work. That's pretty good. I've been worried lately about the swelling around my ankles. I retain water down there. It's something that started back in December when I damaged my leg and had to sit still for a couple of weeks. Since then I have had a build up of water regularly in my legs.

I thought this oedema was because I was fat but my recent miraculous overnight weight losses make me wonder how much of my 'fat' is actually water? Which came first? It's a chicken and egg scenario (if you'll excuse the references to food). Am I 'fat' because I retain water, or do I retain water because I'm fat? And anyway, why did it suddenly start to happen when I couldn't get about, but not stop happening once I was moving again. That's highly unfair, I think.

Better give up work, then

It appears to be working! The 'take a rest' diet is having amazing benefits. I did the only day's work of the week yesterday, then went and climbed a wall a few times (nothing too energetic) and guess what? I am back down to 13st 2lb. Obviously the only way forward is to stop work altogether and regain my former beauty. The additional bonus of not working will be that I will no longer be able to afford to eat, so slimness is guaranteed.

Fantastic!

Weekend Recovery Programme

The week has rolled by in an agony of sleeplessness. I have not been sleeping well, and the climbing made me dog-tired for the next day too. Then I ate pizza, chips, and the kids chocolate bars for their lunch boxes. it hasn't been a good week.

I'm ashamed about the uncontrolled scoffing. Do I have an excuse? No, I was tired and I thought the sugar rush would help me get through the next few hours. Did it? Well, to a small extent. It made me feel better for a few minutes and helped me concentrate, but overall the calorie intake vastly exceeded the calorie requirement. I knew this, even as I was eating the last two slices of pizza and feeling somewhat overfull.

This is where the brick-wall lies. I know what is making me fat (eating when tired), and I know it even when I'm doing it. This isn't something that sneaks up on me. I look it full in the face and eat the muffin anyway. I also know that the sugar rush never keeps me going for as long as I need it to. I basically work too damn hard and don't get enough rest, and then I eat to compensate.

So, I haven't been to the gym. I haven't been swimming. I haven't walked the dog. I stayed in bed all Sunday afternoon. I'm not going to work today, or possibly tomorrow either. To be fair there are 2 inches of snow out there, so staying at home is hardly an act of rebellion. I just wish that three days rest would make up for six years overeating.

I wish!

Climb until it doesn't hurt anymore

I've had a rough week at work. To be perfectly honest my boss is a bitch. She savages you with words and makes you feel worthless. Any people who object to this treatment get hounded out of their jobs. She's manipulative and scheming. One minute she is sweetness and light, the next she is a rabid rotweiler.

This week I managed to get savaged by her and I have been fighting the emotional pain for three days now. It is horrible to be bullied like this. I have cried (Monday and Tuesday) and eaten lots of junk food (Tuesday) and finally I went climbing.

When there is just me and the rock it is possible to lose yourself. There is you and the 3D jigsaw, and your muscles are the only thing between you and success. I climbed until I hurt, then I climbed some more. I finally went home when my legs had turned to jelly and I couldn't physically get up the wall safely any more.

I lay in bed last night and my arms ached. They still do today. I felt good last night though, afterwards. I had worked off some of the sadness. Unfortunately it has come back again today, and I have no-one to climb with tonight. Oh, and I'm absolutely knackered, that too!

Side Effects

I went to the gym again on Thursday and took the dog for a nice long walk this morning. I definitely have more energy since starting this gym lark. Unfortunately I am the same weight as last week: 13st 7lb, so this flurry of exercise (ie everyday except Wednesday for a whole week) has made bugger all difference. Still, I'm enjoying life, and surely that has to be worth something. Maybe I'm turning all my fat into muscle, which every self respecting dieter know weighs more than fat (or so we like to kid ourselves).

Ironically, yesterday I went into stuff-myself-with-bad-things mode, so my weight stasis is the best I could hope for.

I was worried to hear on the news that they are going to let people buy diet pills over the counter at pharmacies. Specifically, a product called Orlistat. Diet pills have a long standing reputation for complete fakery, only taken by gullible fat people looking for a quick fix. Remember that dodgy Slimmer's Tea, for example? Complete quackery.

Orlistat is different. It does actually work. It paralyses the enzymes in your gut and stops them breaking down the fat. This means the fat can't be absorbed into the blood so it just travels straight through. On the down side, that means people who eat fat whilst taking these pills have constant diarrhoea. Of course if you don't eat fat, you don't have diarrhoea, and taking the pills becomes pointless. Still, I suppose it is one way of getting you to modify your diet!

Why am I worried to hear these pills will be freely available? Do I care about self-inflicted intestinal 'slippage' (as it is known in the trade)? Nope, not a jot. Do I worry that these pills will be abused? Nope, that is inevitable. I worry because there are other side effects, not reported on the news, that can cause suffering.

I have tried these evil tablets twice, prescribed by a doctor, both times. I did lose a couple of pounds before I couldn't stand the side effects any longer. The first time I took them they gave me a rash across the acreage of fat on my tummy. It itched and itched. Hydrocortisone (for eczema) had little effect. I scratched it until it bled, and there were bruises on my skin from where I had been so violently trying to rid myself of the irritation. I stopped taking them, but the rash remained for several weeks afterwards.

My doctor didn't believe the tablets had caused such an effect, as it wasn't listed on her side effect symptoms. So, a year later I tried them again. The rash returned faster, itchier and more widespread. It covered my stomach and spread to my boobs. I left scars this time. I returned the tablets within a fortnight, saying I couldn't stand it. It took three months for the rash to subside. It was hell.

Remember the Mantra:

I would rather be fat,
Than take Orlistat.

Motivation

What motivates you? I mean what is motivation? I am feeling so fantastic at the moment: energetic, happy, buzzing with excitement, but due to no apparent cause. I went to the gym on Saturday, swimming on Sunday, the gym again on Monday and rock climbing on Tuesday. I am kicking, man!

In fact I'm so motivated I am itching to get out and climb again tonight, though I don't think there is much hope of that as I my usual climbing partners are all tied up in one thing or another. I have enough energy for ten people tonight. It's kind of cool, but I don't know what to do with it! I shall sit and jiggle my legs up and down while I type.

There's a kid I teach called Ben. He's a lazy SOB. He won't put pen to paper because he "CBA, Miss". (That means Can't Be Arsed, to the uninitiated.) I can see that this obnoxious child is going to fail his GCSEs by several grades. He could get a C, but he will probably get an E, and then he will blame someone else for it (me probably, for not making him work!).

So, what is it about people that make them achievers or CBAers? Are we born that way, or do we pick up habits like that from our friends? Do we change according to circumstances or do we get fixed in one holding pattern taught to us in our pre-school years? I don't know.

I'm generally a fairly self-motivated person, but I do go through phases where I just CBA about things. The bigger the task, the more likely I am to decide that the effort isn't worth it. Maybe it is like that for Ben. He realises he has such a massive task ahead of him, that he has given up before he starts. I mean, he's not the sharpest tool in the box, to begin with.

The secret, I'm told, is to break the task down into manageable chunks. Maybe I should just think about losing 2lb, instead of 3 stone. Maybe Ben should think about finishing a sentence instead of the next three years at school. Who knows.

So, if I'm breaking it down into chunks, maybe I need to do that by time, because I don' t think doing it by weight is going to work. Maybe I should just try to get through until lunchtime without sinning, and not worry about how I'm going to cope until tea time until I get there. Maybe I should even break it down into 10 minute sections: I won't eat anything calorific for the next ten minutes, and the next, and the next.

No, I don't think that will work either, because there is that 'end of ten minute' point where you rest on your laurels and say "Woohoo! I managed ten minutes! I can now eat the chocolate eclair!" I suspect this will be self-defeating.

OK, what about if I go for endurance instead. Let's see how long I can go without any forbidden food. Can I make it through a day, a week, a month? That might work. A challenge is good.

I challenge you: 1 week without anything weight inducing.

Ready, steady...... GO!