The Silent Killer

I haven't posted in a while because I've been a little ill and very down. I managed to get a bug which required rocket blaster antibiotics. These killed off all my good bacteria and gave me the worst dose of thrush I have had in a lot time. On top of that I was feeling so completely wiped out that I could just lie down and sleep for England - not something you can do with small children in the house.

I was having moments where my whole face felt grey and my eyes saggy. These feelings would come on quite quickly and leave me feeling like death warmed up. I suddenly realised that they were happening shortly after I had a sugary snack, like chocolate or jaffa cakes. Uh oh. I know what that means.

When I was pregnant I had diabetes. It runs in my family and I've always known I was likely to get it eventually. The thing about gestational diabetes is that it goes away, usually, once the children are born and you feel about 1000% better instantly. This full blown diabetes won't go away though, and I know I will never feel better again.

I still have my testing kit from 6 years ago, so I checked my blood sugar. The Clinistix are 5 years out of date, but they still gave a high reading. Three days in a row I got a reading above 6, when it should be more like 4. Today I went to the doctor and had a reading done on a modern blood sugar monitor. It seems my ancient Clinistix are reading low rather than high. That's double shit. They need to do some more tests but the writing is on the wall as far as I can see.

I can't tell you how depressed I am about this. I feel like I have been handed a death sentence. I know, it's just silly and you can live 40 years with diabetes, but I don't want to be ill for 40 years. I want to be healthy for 40 years. I already know how shit I'm going to feel as the disease gets worse. I've had it before, but this time there will be no release from the endless cycle of hyper and hypo and the irrational mood swings from sleepy to violent.

I suppose I should be grateful that I live in a modern world where insulin is abundantly available and my condition easily monitored, but right now I feel like suicide is almost preferable. My dreams of long treks in remote places become even more pipe dreams than they were before. Even a day trip away from home will shortly need to be planned around access to insulin. Weekends away and holidays become a major undertaking, which need to include a fridge. Camping is only feasible with a really good cool-box. A broken insulin vial can stuff up a trip before you can say "You can't take that syringe on the plane".

Long term I'm looking at poor circulation in hands and feet, numerous infections, retinal damage and possible blindness, and lastly internal organ damage leading to heart attacks and finally death at an age much younger than I'd intended to make it to.

Let's face it: I'm fucked. What's more, I'm totally pissed off about it too.