Shock Response

I have been doing a fair amount of thinking about self esteem and self worth. I realise that over the past few years my sense of self worth has been steadily eroded by a poor career choice and (deliberately eroded by) a campaign of bullying from my former employers. Whilst struggling with the stress and general crappiness of my job, I believed that changing jobs was the answer to my weight problem.

Indeed, since changing employer, I have lost maybe 6-7lb altogether. Unfortunately the full three stone I am trying to shed has not melted away, as I wishfully anticipated.

Despite a much happier outlook on life, I still wobble when I walk and have a Tourette's view of myself. I can't believe that anyone values me and I am paranoid that my current employers are out to get me, in the same way that my previous ones were. I am watching my back, scared and waiting to f**k things up. My whole sense of who I am has been shredded.

To be fair, my present employers probably don't give a hoot about what I'm up to. They aren't on my back watching my every move, like the last lot. They aren't waiting in the wings to savage me, but the (previously justified) paranoia won't quite go away. It may take me a long time to heal.

I think teaching leaves you in a state of shock, daily. I spend several hours a day shouting , living on my wits and trying to defend myself against the imminent eruption of unruly children. I wouldn't be surprised if the shock response is a physiological part of the problem. Doesn't adrenaline release lots of sugar into the blood stream, leading to a sudden dip in blood sugar later? One that only the hardiest of dieters could counteract?

The theory is: that if I value myself, I'll start looking after my body and only putting good things into it. This could go one of two ways.

a) I value myself and I feel I deserve more treats, rich food, nice wine, meals out ...
OR
b) I value myself and I feel I deserve to live long enough to see my grandchildren so I treat my body like a temple and only feed it healthy, moderate amounts of the best food ...

Obviously the second one is the one we want to aim for. In the past, however, when I have been reasonably happy, I have felt I deserved treats, and these aren't always healthy. When I have been supremely miserable, on the other hand, I can go a fortnight without managing to eat a full plateful and attend enough aerobics sessions to make me ache all over for days.

Somehow I have to get my head into the second scenario space. I need a mantra or some other way of focusing my intent, but then I always knew that. The problem is not in knowing what to do, but in getting me to do it.