I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No

Max has suggested that my inability to say 'No' to food could be conquered if I work on my assertiveness and self esteem. I have to say, this idea appeals to me, as both are often lacking in my day to day life. I have difficulty saying 'No' to just about anything, and I pay the price for this lack of backbone, by being frequently used as a walking idiot by anybody who wants to get out of their own responsibilities.

Part of this is because I want to be 'helpful' or I want to be 'liked' or I want to 'fit in'. Part of it is not wanting to miss out on an opportunity. Thirdly, and maybe most profoundly, is that it takes a while for me to make up my mind, and I tend to allow things to happen around me while I'm thinking. By the time I've come to a decision, it's often too late to do anything about it.

Here's a to do list for assertiveness nicked from e-How:

Difficulty: Moderate
Instructions
Step 1
Be Firm and Decisive - Say No if You Have To. If you know that you don't want to do something but feel pressured by people around you, take a deep breath and definitively say that you will not be able to sign up for that particular task. Mention the reasons that this will not work for you specifically and then move on. When you are establishing boundaries with people, it is important to be clear, firm and decisive. If you typically have trouble with this step, start with small steps. Practice what you will say at home in front of the mirror until you are comfortable. Build small successes into larger ones.

When I know my own mind and I feel strongly about something, this is not all that hard to do. Enforcing boundaries comes with practice. Knowing where my boundaries lie is the hardest part for me. Often I don't know until someone of something has managed to really p!ss me off by overstepping the line. Even then, I am slow to respond, capping that flash of anger.

Step 2
Ask For What You Want Matter of Factly. People who have trouble with assertiveness are typically fearful of expressing their needs. Asking for what you want just means that you will be expressing your feelings. Practice stating what you would like to have happen at home and at work in a matter of fact way. Again, start small. As an example, you could tell your coworker - "I want to be involved in XYZ meeting at 2 pm today". Or if you're talking to a friend, you could start with - "I need to go to the dentist at 1 pm. tomorrow, so I'd like to switch our lunch date to the following day if that's OK with you." Speak up and voice your opinions at the lunch table. Value yourself enough to express your needs. This will increase your self esteem and give you the ability to ask for opportunities that otherwise may not come your way. Once you stop being silent people will get to know the real you and you will have a stronger sense of identity.

I know who I am. A sense of identity is not missing. I am somewhat reluctant to share who I am with others, at least at a deeper level. Mostly, people are threatened or bored by intelligence, and I get bored pretending to be thick. The examples above are not all that helpful, as they are really quite trivial matters. I need assertiveness training for "You skanked me out of a pay rise, when you gave it to my much less hard-working colleague, you walking intestinal worm." (And other related matters.)

Step 3
Achieve Your Goals. This an important step that may not be intuitive when thinking about assertiveness. If you set a clearly defined goal for yourself and achieve it, you will have expressed your specific need to achieve that goal, set boundaries on your time and articulated your needs to others in order to get to your end point. Setting and accomplishing goals will also increase your sense of self. Realize that being assertive is a good thing both for you and the people around you. Your needs and wants are valuable and make you the unique and special person that you are.

I don't understand this point. OK, I want to lose three stone. This is a clearly defined goal. After that the paragraph just says "and achieve it". Ah, yes, the miracle of prose. It is hardly news that achieving goals makes you proud.

What boundaries of my time could I set for this? What needs do I have to articulate? Don't feed me? I have a husband who has trouble with organisational skills. His particular mental wiring means he doesn't think a rule applies under all circumstances. He flexes it to fit his own desires. It is like a dog that having once been run over, is scared only of red cars like the one that hit it.

Step 4
Constructively Resolve Conflict. Conflict is a part of every day life. Being factual and taking a problem solving approach while stating your needs is part of assertively resolving a disagreement. If you're in the middle of a disagreement, step back for a moment. Listen to and acknowledge the other person's point of view. Clarify and acknowledge all the points of disagreement. Then, state your point of view, and negotiate a possible compromise that would work for both sides. If there is no compromise possible, acknowledge that both of you have different ways of thinking and leave it at that. Don't allow anyone to push you in a direction that does not work for you. Be factual and non-antagonistic in expressing your point of view. Inject some humor into the situation if possible.

This is much easier if the adrenaline is not up. Once the red mist has come down, compromise and balanced negotiation go out of the window. On the whole, I think I manage this, so long as the flash hasn't sent me into orbit. Where I find it difficult to express myself is when the person being conflicting is in a position of power eg a supervisor. Then I find it impossible to say what I want to, even if the other person is completely wrong, which, let's face it, they usually are.

Step 5
Be Interested In the People Around You. Be sincerely interested in the people around you. As you express interest in other people's lives and families, that interest will be reciprocated and you can naturally get into a relationship dynamic where you can easily share opinions and express your needs and wants.

Mostly I am, so long as I have time to be. I am a bit shy at asking questions and tend to hang about in the background listening. I feel as though asking about something is being intrusive, although I know really that most people can't wait to talk about themselves if given just the smallest hint of encouragement.

Step 6
Believe in Yourself. Value and express your own feelings, opinions and interests. If you strongly believe that what you have to say is important, assertiveness will become part of your natural behavior. Sign up for activities that you love and are passionate about. Develop your hobbies. Surround yourself with people that value and love you. Realize that you are equally as important as everyone else around you.

This is the tough one, especially when the bullies of the world spend years stripping you of any belief in yourself. Signing up for hobbies and such is no problem. Hanging out with good people is no problem. I have hangups from my bullied childhood and hangups from my bullied workplace. Having lost a number of friends for reasons I don't understand, I have hangups about believing that people really like me. I most certainly don't trust that people value and love me. At best, I assume they tolerate me.

How does all this relate to food? I don't know. Maybe the fear of 'not being liked' or of being 'left out' is enough to make me too weak to say 'no' when I'm offered food. I suspect this is something to do with it. Surely, though, this is not the whole problem. I am quite capable of buying and eating food without anyone having offered it to me, so in that event the only person I need to be assertive to is myself.

That is a whole new kettle of fish.