Pizza Free Zone

The kids are eating pizza downstairs with their three friends, who have come over to play. I am not eating pizza. Not one slice. I have learnt my lesson. Pizza gives me terrible gallstones. Despite having the most wonderful smell and mouthwatering taste, I am NOT eating any. It is not worth the pain.

Slime Mould

I am scared. Maybe this is not the place to admit to it, but I am. It is probably tied up in my sense of worth but nonetheless it won't go away. My health advisor has reached an impasse with me. He has spent six months where I have consistently failed to lose any significant weight. It is preying on my mind, that there will come a time, when they will just give up on me.

"Come back when you are ready to put the effort in, Mrs Williams," he will say. "The NHS can't justify wasting anymore resources on you. You're just not worth it. You're just not trying."

I get that tightness in my chest at the thought of being abandoned, but I suspect it will come. I have so much riding on this. For me, this was the way of solving my motivation problems. I would learn to focus and succeed where endless diets have not. I would learn the secret of self control. I could shed this outer layer of blubber and be, once again, the beautiful person I was. (Unlike many obese people, I was a normal weight until about seven years ago. This coincided with my last pregnancy and training to be a teacher.)

Of course, as a grown woman, I shouldn't be psychologically reliant on such a thing. I should be independent and confident. I should be coping with anything life throws at me; taking it in my stride, and all that.

Sorry, folks, I am a fragile flower that needs nurturing. Around seven years ago, my little blossom got moved from its comfy flower bed and dumped in a municipal wasteland where it gets trodden on every few hours. Is it any surprise it has turned from a bright blossom into a type of slime mould?

After a few years of being trodden on, the slime mould comes to expect it. This, I imagine, is where the fear of being rejected comes from. In its own green oozy way, the slime mould will cope with abandonment, but it won't be any closer to becoming a pretty flower again.

Shock Response

I have been doing a fair amount of thinking about self esteem and self worth. I realise that over the past few years my sense of self worth has been steadily eroded by a poor career choice and (deliberately eroded by) a campaign of bullying from my former employers. Whilst struggling with the stress and general crappiness of my job, I believed that changing jobs was the answer to my weight problem.

Indeed, since changing employer, I have lost maybe 6-7lb altogether. Unfortunately the full three stone I am trying to shed has not melted away, as I wishfully anticipated.

Despite a much happier outlook on life, I still wobble when I walk and have a Tourette's view of myself. I can't believe that anyone values me and I am paranoid that my current employers are out to get me, in the same way that my previous ones were. I am watching my back, scared and waiting to f**k things up. My whole sense of who I am has been shredded.

To be fair, my present employers probably don't give a hoot about what I'm up to. They aren't on my back watching my every move, like the last lot. They aren't waiting in the wings to savage me, but the (previously justified) paranoia won't quite go away. It may take me a long time to heal.

I think teaching leaves you in a state of shock, daily. I spend several hours a day shouting , living on my wits and trying to defend myself against the imminent eruption of unruly children. I wouldn't be surprised if the shock response is a physiological part of the problem. Doesn't adrenaline release lots of sugar into the blood stream, leading to a sudden dip in blood sugar later? One that only the hardiest of dieters could counteract?

The theory is: that if I value myself, I'll start looking after my body and only putting good things into it. This could go one of two ways.

a) I value myself and I feel I deserve more treats, rich food, nice wine, meals out ...
OR
b) I value myself and I feel I deserve to live long enough to see my grandchildren so I treat my body like a temple and only feed it healthy, moderate amounts of the best food ...

Obviously the second one is the one we want to aim for. In the past, however, when I have been reasonably happy, I have felt I deserved treats, and these aren't always healthy. When I have been supremely miserable, on the other hand, I can go a fortnight without managing to eat a full plateful and attend enough aerobics sessions to make me ache all over for days.

Somehow I have to get my head into the second scenario space. I need a mantra or some other way of focusing my intent, but then I always knew that. The problem is not in knowing what to do, but in getting me to do it.

Bananas

Yes, I am going bananas.

I felt I should make a public note of the fact that today I, Jemima Williams, actively chose to buy and eat two bananas instead of a large packet of Kettle crisps.

This has saved me about 600 calories. Please post congratulatory messages below.

:o]

Jem x

I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No

Max has suggested that my inability to say 'No' to food could be conquered if I work on my assertiveness and self esteem. I have to say, this idea appeals to me, as both are often lacking in my day to day life. I have difficulty saying 'No' to just about anything, and I pay the price for this lack of backbone, by being frequently used as a walking idiot by anybody who wants to get out of their own responsibilities.

Part of this is because I want to be 'helpful' or I want to be 'liked' or I want to 'fit in'. Part of it is not wanting to miss out on an opportunity. Thirdly, and maybe most profoundly, is that it takes a while for me to make up my mind, and I tend to allow things to happen around me while I'm thinking. By the time I've come to a decision, it's often too late to do anything about it.

Here's a to do list for assertiveness nicked from e-How:

Difficulty: Moderate
Instructions
Step 1
Be Firm and Decisive - Say No if You Have To. If you know that you don't want to do something but feel pressured by people around you, take a deep breath and definitively say that you will not be able to sign up for that particular task. Mention the reasons that this will not work for you specifically and then move on. When you are establishing boundaries with people, it is important to be clear, firm and decisive. If you typically have trouble with this step, start with small steps. Practice what you will say at home in front of the mirror until you are comfortable. Build small successes into larger ones.

When I know my own mind and I feel strongly about something, this is not all that hard to do. Enforcing boundaries comes with practice. Knowing where my boundaries lie is the hardest part for me. Often I don't know until someone of something has managed to really p!ss me off by overstepping the line. Even then, I am slow to respond, capping that flash of anger.

Step 2
Ask For What You Want Matter of Factly. People who have trouble with assertiveness are typically fearful of expressing their needs. Asking for what you want just means that you will be expressing your feelings. Practice stating what you would like to have happen at home and at work in a matter of fact way. Again, start small. As an example, you could tell your coworker - "I want to be involved in XYZ meeting at 2 pm today". Or if you're talking to a friend, you could start with - "I need to go to the dentist at 1 pm. tomorrow, so I'd like to switch our lunch date to the following day if that's OK with you." Speak up and voice your opinions at the lunch table. Value yourself enough to express your needs. This will increase your self esteem and give you the ability to ask for opportunities that otherwise may not come your way. Once you stop being silent people will get to know the real you and you will have a stronger sense of identity.

I know who I am. A sense of identity is not missing. I am somewhat reluctant to share who I am with others, at least at a deeper level. Mostly, people are threatened or bored by intelligence, and I get bored pretending to be thick. The examples above are not all that helpful, as they are really quite trivial matters. I need assertiveness training for "You skanked me out of a pay rise, when you gave it to my much less hard-working colleague, you walking intestinal worm." (And other related matters.)

Step 3
Achieve Your Goals. This an important step that may not be intuitive when thinking about assertiveness. If you set a clearly defined goal for yourself and achieve it, you will have expressed your specific need to achieve that goal, set boundaries on your time and articulated your needs to others in order to get to your end point. Setting and accomplishing goals will also increase your sense of self. Realize that being assertive is a good thing both for you and the people around you. Your needs and wants are valuable and make you the unique and special person that you are.

I don't understand this point. OK, I want to lose three stone. This is a clearly defined goal. After that the paragraph just says "and achieve it". Ah, yes, the miracle of prose. It is hardly news that achieving goals makes you proud.

What boundaries of my time could I set for this? What needs do I have to articulate? Don't feed me? I have a husband who has trouble with organisational skills. His particular mental wiring means he doesn't think a rule applies under all circumstances. He flexes it to fit his own desires. It is like a dog that having once been run over, is scared only of red cars like the one that hit it.

Step 4
Constructively Resolve Conflict. Conflict is a part of every day life. Being factual and taking a problem solving approach while stating your needs is part of assertively resolving a disagreement. If you're in the middle of a disagreement, step back for a moment. Listen to and acknowledge the other person's point of view. Clarify and acknowledge all the points of disagreement. Then, state your point of view, and negotiate a possible compromise that would work for both sides. If there is no compromise possible, acknowledge that both of you have different ways of thinking and leave it at that. Don't allow anyone to push you in a direction that does not work for you. Be factual and non-antagonistic in expressing your point of view. Inject some humor into the situation if possible.

This is much easier if the adrenaline is not up. Once the red mist has come down, compromise and balanced negotiation go out of the window. On the whole, I think I manage this, so long as the flash hasn't sent me into orbit. Where I find it difficult to express myself is when the person being conflicting is in a position of power eg a supervisor. Then I find it impossible to say what I want to, even if the other person is completely wrong, which, let's face it, they usually are.

Step 5
Be Interested In the People Around You. Be sincerely interested in the people around you. As you express interest in other people's lives and families, that interest will be reciprocated and you can naturally get into a relationship dynamic where you can easily share opinions and express your needs and wants.

Mostly I am, so long as I have time to be. I am a bit shy at asking questions and tend to hang about in the background listening. I feel as though asking about something is being intrusive, although I know really that most people can't wait to talk about themselves if given just the smallest hint of encouragement.

Step 6
Believe in Yourself. Value and express your own feelings, opinions and interests. If you strongly believe that what you have to say is important, assertiveness will become part of your natural behavior. Sign up for activities that you love and are passionate about. Develop your hobbies. Surround yourself with people that value and love you. Realize that you are equally as important as everyone else around you.

This is the tough one, especially when the bullies of the world spend years stripping you of any belief in yourself. Signing up for hobbies and such is no problem. Hanging out with good people is no problem. I have hangups from my bullied childhood and hangups from my bullied workplace. Having lost a number of friends for reasons I don't understand, I have hangups about believing that people really like me. I most certainly don't trust that people value and love me. At best, I assume they tolerate me.

How does all this relate to food? I don't know. Maybe the fear of 'not being liked' or of being 'left out' is enough to make me too weak to say 'no' when I'm offered food. I suspect this is something to do with it. Surely, though, this is not the whole problem. I am quite capable of buying and eating food without anyone having offered it to me, so in that event the only person I need to be assertive to is myself.

That is a whole new kettle of fish.

Epitaph

Oh dear, oh dear. Max has lunged for the throat in an excellent attempt to shock me into eating less. He suggested I should start thinking about my epitaph if I don't get my act together soon. OK, so he did admit it was a little harsh. I'm not quite ready to head for the banquet in the sky yet.

RIP Jemima Williams
"I fought the food,
But the food won."

He listed the numerous problems obesity can cause, most of which I have thought about regularly - the heart disease, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure and so on. The one that gave me pause was one that maybe people don't quote so often. Obesity causes problems with joints and leads to back pain and loss of mobility.

Now, my freedom is important to me. I am an active person. I'm taking my 7 year old to climb Scafell Pike this weekend (severe weather warnings notwithstanding). Fat gits don't do that. I would be a very miserable person with lots of regrets if I ate myself into immobility.

I like climbing hills and mountains. I want to be outside as much as possible. Far from sticking my epitaph to the fridge, I think I will stick a picture of Ben Nevis there, for starters, followed by Mont Blanc and Mount Fuji.

I bought bad things, and ate them.

Max seems to have given up on trying to get me to follow a diet. He's given me a chart to fill in counting my resistance to temptation. This is not being particularly successful. That is to say, I can fill in the chart, no problem, but it is not increasing my ability to not eat stuff.

Over the past few weeks, Max has systematically worked his way through his repertoire. He has sent me to Weight Watchers. He has given me diagrams of a 'healthy eating plate' and got me to tally my food groups. Now, he's trying to get me to note when I succeed in avoiding temptation.

The trouble is, on the whole, I don't. If I am tempted by it, I eat it. The only way I can avoid eating stuff, is by not seeing it in the first place. Consequently, the tally marks on my chart are mostly of the 'Whoops, I ate it' and not the 'Hurray, I didn't eat it' type.

It doesn't matter that I can sit outside a friend's house thinking: "I will not eat any biscuits. I will just have a cup of tea," because as soon as I am presented with the option of eating a biscuit or flapjack I reach out for it regardless.

I was trying to avoid raiding the biscuit drawer at Mum's last week. I thought I would have a bowl of cereal to head off the temptation. Unfortunately, the kids had left the jaffa cakes on the side and I'd stuffed four in before I could get the packet back into the drawer.

Why? I wasn't even that hungry. It is like a reflex.

I read a piece on binge eating in the Observer last week. It was about how these poor benighted souls find a time when no-one is around, to consume high calorie, forbidden foods. They can manage up to 10,000 calories in a sitting, apparently. Well, I know, for all my sins that I can't manage anything like that amount, (probably 7 or 800 is the max), but I am guilty of hiding away so no-one can see me eat bad things.

Does that mean I have an eating disorder? The article went on to say that it is treated by Behavioural Cognitive Therapy. The only time I've tried that, was to sort out a phobia. The therapist suggested that everytime I thought of someone being hanged (one particular phobia) I should change the image to one of a bunch of bananas. The result of this 'therapy' was that I couldn't touch bananas for months! The phobia eventually went away on its own.

So, I guess, everytime I see naughty food I want to eat, I should imagine something horrible so it puts me off eating it. This doesn't sound like a happy way to live. Besides, I can't imagine this lemon drizzle cake I'm savouring, being anything other than light, sweet and delicious.

Maybe I should download a whole bunch of photos of fat-encrusted inner organs and Cellotape them to my fridge. Max tells me he's not allowed to shock me like that, which is a bit of a shame, because it might just work. I'm not sure what my visitors would think, though, and my kids would probably start having nightmares and stop eating altogether.

I am at a loss. It is hard to get the width of something as amorphous as 'temptation'. It is as long as a piece of string. Max said that the last person he tried the Temptation Chart with failed because they just made excuses. I would hate to think that I fall into the same category, but without any significant progress, I can see that that is what people must think.

Obviously, I am just not trying hard enough. I want it to happen, without any real effort on my part. I want to wake up, never be tempted by illicit food again. I want to slim down to a gorgeous size 14 in a matter of weeks. And while I'm at it, can I lose 15 years off my age, too?


Nope, it looks like the pictures of lardy internal organs is the way forward. I wonder what my therapist would make of that?