Turn off my talking toaster.

I was listening to the radio today. The bloke was recanting a story about a soldier in the desert who survived for ages on a small bottle of water and a minimum amount of food in his backpack. It was the sort of inspirational story that makes you want to post boxes of biscuits to the fighters on the frontline in Afghanistan.

The training the soldier had recieved had enabled him to eek out his meagre rations for ages, keeping him alive until he managed to find his regiment again. During training he had actually practiced scenarios like this, saving his food and making it last.

I'm not very good at this. If it's there, I tend to eat it, before someone else does. With hungry children in the house, food tends to disappear before your eyes. Often the biscuit barrel is empty before I get a look in. (I'm not a great biscuit eater, compared to the rest of my family, but every now and then I do sneak one or two).

Hoarding food is not really in my nature. If I can see it, I eat it. This is definitely one of my triggers. I can happily ignore food, if I've forgotten it's there, or I can't see it, but if I see it, I want it.

Somebody once pointed out to me that in the modern convenience world, food is always there. Just walking into the kitchen or sitting infront of the TV you are bombarded with advertising and packages, which continually ask you if you fancy a snack.


Did you ever watch that episode of Red Dwarf where they had an annoyingly stupid talking toaster? Despite being given the gift of consciousness, the toaster's only concern in life was to repeatedly ask if anyone wanted a toasted bread product. I feel a bit like all food is harassing me in the same way.

Hey! See me? Yes, you there - see me here on the shelf? Do you fancy a small cupcake? Go on! I know they're for the kids lunch-boxes, but I'm sure no-one will notice! Just one... or maybe two? We are only small you know. You can pop one in your mouth whist unwrapping the second one! It's so easy! Yum! Now, isn't that better?


No! No! No! I am a soldier! I am going to eek out my rations. I will make the food last! I will not eat it unless I have no choice! I have to save it for when I really need the energy. I will not be fooled into burdening my body with food it doesn't need!

Free me from the tyranny of endless temptation.

Turn off my talking toaster!