Another appointment with the Health Advisor. This time I'm going to get a list of meals, based on the Eatwell Plate. Ms Sabbath has spotted that I eat more than I should, rather than working on the pretext that I am starving. This is a step in the right direction. She is also going to get me on the waiting list for CBT, which is what I need to actually be able to stick to diets, or at least I hope so.
There was a trainee in the room while I was there. Ms Sabbath had to pop out for a minute and the trainee started making light conversation. She was delightfully drippy.
"Have you been coming long?"
"Yes, over a year," I said.
"Oh, really? Have you lost much weight?"
"No, nothing."
"Oh dear! Have you had your fibroids checked?"
"My fibroids? No!" This was news to me. I had no idea that scar tissue in the womb could cause weight gain.
"Oh, yes," continued the trainee, "Some people have an underactive fibroid."
I had to blink a couple of times to keep my face straight. Still some training to go, possibly.
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Friday, 1 October 2010
I just had a week of late nights, pizza and cake followed by a weekend where I managed to get out for a not-quite-four hour walk, before downing the best part of a bottle of red. Fairly good fun all in all (and I did play table tennis and pool in the pub - that must have used up a few calories, surely?).
The dreaded 3lb I put on seem to have faded away and Ms Sabbath claimed I'd lost 250g (which I think is 10 oz in old money). That's the difference in weight between a pair of jeans and a linen trouser suit. If I want to continue to lose weight this way, I'll be naked by Xmas.
Well, Ms Sabbath wants me to record what I eat (I know, we've been here before) so she can judge whether I'm eating too much or too little for the exercise I do. So, to judge the portion sizes, she asked me to take photos of what I eat. Of course, I'm not all that organised and I've only managed a few. I didn't, for example, photograph the two squares of milk chocolate I enjoyed at break-time, and I have, so far, failed to photograph my dinner, but there's still a few days to go.
Meanwhile, for your enjoyment: a) Lunch a la Tesco
and c) Lunch-box Still Life.
The dreaded 3lb I put on seem to have faded away and Ms Sabbath claimed I'd lost 250g (which I think is 10 oz in old money). That's the difference in weight between a pair of jeans and a linen trouser suit. If I want to continue to lose weight this way, I'll be naked by Xmas.
Well, Ms Sabbath wants me to record what I eat (I know, we've been here before) so she can judge whether I'm eating too much or too little for the exercise I do. So, to judge the portion sizes, she asked me to take photos of what I eat. Of course, I'm not all that organised and I've only managed a few. I didn't, for example, photograph the two squares of milk chocolate I enjoyed at break-time, and I have, so far, failed to photograph my dinner, but there's still a few days to go.
Meanwhile, for your enjoyment: a) Lunch a la Tesco
b) Museli in a Bowl
and c) Lunch-box Still Life.
David Bailey eat your heart out.
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Little Fingers
Good grief! I thought. I've lost 3lb! This eating more really works!
Then I spotted that someone, presumably with little fingers, had adjusted the setting so zero was no longer at zero. Nope. I've put on 3lb instead.
Maybe they were trying to make me feel better about myself?
Then I spotted that someone, presumably with little fingers, had adjusted the setting so zero was no longer at zero. Nope. I've put on 3lb instead.
Maybe they were trying to make me feel better about myself?
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Sometimes I'm just stupid.
I really should kick myself. I am just absolutely stupid sometimes. I try so hard and then let myself muck it up in one easy snack-fest. [Insert expletives of your choice here.]
I had my first meeting with my new Health Adviser this week. Max had forgotten to send me the time of the appointment, so I spent a happy half an hour phoning all the medical centres in the district trying to find out where and when I should turn up. My local surgery and the local hospital claimed never to have heard of Health Trainers, despite having referred me to them in the first place. I was starting to wonder if I'd slipped into an alternative reality, where I'd imagined the past year of meetings.
Max's replacement is a genial woman, who seems keen to get it right. She is shorter and younger than me, with the secondary characteristics of PCOS, tattoos and a love of heavy metal - in other words, not at all what I was expecting. (No offence intended, Ms Sabbath, if you're reading this.)
Ms Sabbath knows a lot about mental health issues, autism and how Weight Watchers works. We went over the old ground and I told her how well I've been doing since I read Kessler's book. I have had three weeks where I haven't touched anything fatty, salty or sugary really. I've been out doing exercise virtually daily and I am a virtuous little fairy. I look great on paper!
She looked at my fabulous list of marvellousness and suggested that I don't eat enough and hence my body is in 'starvation' mode. Before I dismiss this out of hand, let's go through the evidence:
FOR
1. Several people have suggested this, particularly as I get so abnormally hungry if I cut down food even a little bit. This suggests I am working at the lower limit of food intake and cannot reduce it any further easily.
2. I do a lot of exercise.
3. I don't actually lose any weight
AGAINST
1. I get heavier if I eat more.
2. I'm not actually hungry most of the time.
3. I undoubtably lie to myself and other people about the amount of food I eat and how bad for me it is. Fat people are notorious for doing this.
4. I do a lot of exercise, but not much of it is very vigorous. Again, fat people lie about how much they think they do. I am probably decieving myself regarding how fit I am. Certainly, people look at me and make assumptions that I wouldn't want to do/try certain physical activities (because I'm a fat momma [unspoken comment]).
I still come down on the side of 'against'. So, anyway, Ms Sabbath went away to do lots of research having made me promise to try to eat more.
This is where the stupid part comes in. Telling a foody they need to eat more is like telling an alcoholic to drink more. Carte blanche in the food stakes means a lot of calories of chocolate laden sin - biscuits, chocolate, crisps, ice cream - all the stuff I haven't even looked at for the past three weeks. Why? Because someone told me to eat.
I can't tell you how angry I am with myself. Like a heroin user, who just had a fix waved in front of their nose, I am now back to square one, trying to fight the demons of addiction. Just like the drug-user, I have topped up my Pavlovian 'automatic response' circuits and I will now crave junk food all over again. [Insert more forceful expletives of your choice here.]
Yes, I know Ms Sabbath didn't tell me to stuff myself with a week's worth of calories made from sugar, fat and salt, but that's what I did. By the 'starvation' mode theory, I should lose ten pounds overnight.
And I didn't go to my exercise class, either.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I had my first meeting with my new Health Adviser this week. Max had forgotten to send me the time of the appointment, so I spent a happy half an hour phoning all the medical centres in the district trying to find out where and when I should turn up. My local surgery and the local hospital claimed never to have heard of Health Trainers, despite having referred me to them in the first place. I was starting to wonder if I'd slipped into an alternative reality, where I'd imagined the past year of meetings.
Max's replacement is a genial woman, who seems keen to get it right. She is shorter and younger than me, with the secondary characteristics of PCOS, tattoos and a love of heavy metal - in other words, not at all what I was expecting. (No offence intended, Ms Sabbath, if you're reading this.)
Ms Sabbath knows a lot about mental health issues, autism and how Weight Watchers works. We went over the old ground and I told her how well I've been doing since I read Kessler's book. I have had three weeks where I haven't touched anything fatty, salty or sugary really. I've been out doing exercise virtually daily and I am a virtuous little fairy. I look great on paper!
She looked at my fabulous list of marvellousness and suggested that I don't eat enough and hence my body is in 'starvation' mode. Before I dismiss this out of hand, let's go through the evidence:
FOR
1. Several people have suggested this, particularly as I get so abnormally hungry if I cut down food even a little bit. This suggests I am working at the lower limit of food intake and cannot reduce it any further easily.
2. I do a lot of exercise.
3. I don't actually lose any weight
AGAINST
1. I get heavier if I eat more.
2. I'm not actually hungry most of the time.
3. I undoubtably lie to myself and other people about the amount of food I eat and how bad for me it is. Fat people are notorious for doing this.
4. I do a lot of exercise, but not much of it is very vigorous. Again, fat people lie about how much they think they do. I am probably decieving myself regarding how fit I am. Certainly, people look at me and make assumptions that I wouldn't want to do/try certain physical activities (because I'm a fat momma [unspoken comment]).
I still come down on the side of 'against'. So, anyway, Ms Sabbath went away to do lots of research having made me promise to try to eat more.
This is where the stupid part comes in. Telling a foody they need to eat more is like telling an alcoholic to drink more. Carte blanche in the food stakes means a lot of calories of chocolate laden sin - biscuits, chocolate, crisps, ice cream - all the stuff I haven't even looked at for the past three weeks. Why? Because someone told me to eat.
I can't tell you how angry I am with myself. Like a heroin user, who just had a fix waved in front of their nose, I am now back to square one, trying to fight the demons of addiction. Just like the drug-user, I have topped up my Pavlovian 'automatic response' circuits and I will now crave junk food all over again. [Insert more forceful expletives of your choice here.]
Yes, I know Ms Sabbath didn't tell me to stuff myself with a week's worth of calories made from sugar, fat and salt, but that's what I did. By the 'starvation' mode theory, I should lose ten pounds overnight.
And I didn't go to my exercise class, either.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Fat, Water and the Brain.
I've come to the conclusion that it is food that makes you fat. OK, OK, I know, not exactly a stunning revelation, is it.
The trouble is, I've been trying to lose weight for years by 'doing exercise' and it DOESN'T WORK. I just keep doing more and more, getting slightly heavier and heavier, and basically NOT losing weight. I swim, climb, walk for whole days; I've jogged, gymmed, aerobic-ed and pilated; I've done aqua-robics, bowling, diving, yoga, archery, kayaking, swinging from rope-swings, rowing, mountain climbing and cycling. I haven't tried bog-snorkling, but it is only a matter of time.
The frustration is, of course, that the amount of exercise physically possible becomes limited by time. Eventually, you are spending hours each week getting active and hating yourself the rest of the week for not having enough energy to exercise and THEN you think you are a fat whatsit because you didn't do enough.
So, I can't increase the exercise anymore. I am going to have to reduce the food. Therein lies a problem, well, several problems, actually. 1) I don't like feeling weak and tired because I LIKE to do lots of exercise. 2) When I get hungry, it comes on rapidly and hurts a lot, fills my tummy with wind and carries on hurting long after I have eaten. 3) I have not much will when it comes to seeing something and wanting to eat it.
The news this week has been filled with little gems about weight loss. Apparently, drinking two glasses of water before a meal fills you up and causes you to eat less. This seems like a sensible idea and it is just a matter of making it a habit. After all, I drink a fair amount of water, so this shouldn't be a problem.
On the down side, something we all knew, has now been shown to be true. Once you get fat, it is a problem to lose it again because it permanently alters your body. You keep the extra fat cells and have a higher proportion of fat to mass, even if you have lost the extra weight. That's bad news for fatties and partly explains the yo-yo dieting problem that many of us suffer from.
Far more interesting, for me, though, was reading a review of Dr David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating. Suddenly, it all seems to make sense. Food is designed to be yummy. Modern food is far more yummy now that big companies have worked out that yummy stuff sells best. Yummy stuff is energy-dense - i.e. full of fat and sugar - so even 'healthy' options end up with that in it. How many times have I winced at the amount of sugar in fat-free food?
Anyway, the eureka moment came when I read about how your brain responds to repeated pleasurable stimuli. It seems a link is made within the brain which clicks into action when it sees something it likes i.e. a large bag of crisps or a chocolate cake. Eating it, and getting nice sensations from that, re-inforces the circuit in the brain.
Once the circuit has been set off, it seems almost unstoppable. Removing the bag of crisps that you are focused on causes a kink in the circuit. You are not going to be satisfied until that kink has been resolved. THAT is where the problem lies.
Avoiding setting off the circuit has been my main defence in weight control. I don't have biscuits, cake or crisps in the house because when I see them, I eat them. When I don't see them, I rarely bother about them. If someone offers me a biscuit, I almost automatically say 'yes' and then curse myself afterwards. NOW I understand why I do that.
If I understand something, there is a chance I can start to do something about it.
Step one: Order Kessler's book.
Step two: Stick two fingers up to brain conditioning. It's my brain; I can re-wire it how I like.
The trouble is, I've been trying to lose weight for years by 'doing exercise' and it DOESN'T WORK. I just keep doing more and more, getting slightly heavier and heavier, and basically NOT losing weight. I swim, climb, walk for whole days; I've jogged, gymmed, aerobic-ed and pilated; I've done aqua-robics, bowling, diving, yoga, archery, kayaking, swinging from rope-swings, rowing, mountain climbing and cycling. I haven't tried bog-snorkling, but it is only a matter of time.
The frustration is, of course, that the amount of exercise physically possible becomes limited by time. Eventually, you are spending hours each week getting active and hating yourself the rest of the week for not having enough energy to exercise and THEN you think you are a fat whatsit because you didn't do enough.
So, I can't increase the exercise anymore. I am going to have to reduce the food. Therein lies a problem, well, several problems, actually. 1) I don't like feeling weak and tired because I LIKE to do lots of exercise. 2) When I get hungry, it comes on rapidly and hurts a lot, fills my tummy with wind and carries on hurting long after I have eaten. 3) I have not much will when it comes to seeing something and wanting to eat it.
The news this week has been filled with little gems about weight loss. Apparently, drinking two glasses of water before a meal fills you up and causes you to eat less. This seems like a sensible idea and it is just a matter of making it a habit. After all, I drink a fair amount of water, so this shouldn't be a problem.
On the down side, something we all knew, has now been shown to be true. Once you get fat, it is a problem to lose it again because it permanently alters your body. You keep the extra fat cells and have a higher proportion of fat to mass, even if you have lost the extra weight. That's bad news for fatties and partly explains the yo-yo dieting problem that many of us suffer from.
Far more interesting, for me, though, was reading a review of Dr David Kessler's book, The End of Overeating. Suddenly, it all seems to make sense. Food is designed to be yummy. Modern food is far more yummy now that big companies have worked out that yummy stuff sells best. Yummy stuff is energy-dense - i.e. full of fat and sugar - so even 'healthy' options end up with that in it. How many times have I winced at the amount of sugar in fat-free food?
Anyway, the eureka moment came when I read about how your brain responds to repeated pleasurable stimuli. It seems a link is made within the brain which clicks into action when it sees something it likes i.e. a large bag of crisps or a chocolate cake. Eating it, and getting nice sensations from that, re-inforces the circuit in the brain.
Once the circuit has been set off, it seems almost unstoppable. Removing the bag of crisps that you are focused on causes a kink in the circuit. You are not going to be satisfied until that kink has been resolved. THAT is where the problem lies.
Avoiding setting off the circuit has been my main defence in weight control. I don't have biscuits, cake or crisps in the house because when I see them, I eat them. When I don't see them, I rarely bother about them. If someone offers me a biscuit, I almost automatically say 'yes' and then curse myself afterwards. NOW I understand why I do that.
If I understand something, there is a chance I can start to do something about it.
Step one: Order Kessler's book.
Step two: Stick two fingers up to brain conditioning. It's my brain; I can re-wire it how I like.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Giving Up
This week seems to be the week of giving up. I went to see Max. Naturally, I got on the scales and was exactly the same weight as I have been for the past year. I told him we need to go 'back to basics' in a kind of dodgy John Major campaign way. Let's just keep it simple, I said.
He said: I'm transferring you to someone else.
The day finally came: he gave up on me. Well, I can understand it. I don't look good on anyone's case load. I'm the girl that neither gets slimmer nor goes away. I can't help but feel rejected, just a little bit.
What have I honestly learnt during this long journey into weight loss?
He said: I'm transferring you to someone else.
The day finally came: he gave up on me. Well, I can understand it. I don't look good on anyone's case load. I'm the girl that neither gets slimmer nor goes away. I can't help but feel rejected, just a little bit.
What have I honestly learnt during this long journey into weight loss?
- I don't over-eat because I'm not putting on any weight.
- I'm 'positively athletic' by general standards, based on the amount of exercise I do.
- I don't stick to diets because they hurt and my family suffers my temper.
- If I try to cut down on food, I end up eating more of the wrong sort of food instead.
- I get really ratty, very quickly if I don't get enough food. Other people get to this stage when they are starving themselves. I get to it almost instantly.
- I can remain large, and maintain the weight I'm at fairly easily.
- I can continue to fail at losing weight by cutting down tiny amounts at a time and hoping.
- I can stop eating altogether and just ride the wave of lethargy, pain and screaming that follows.
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