Good grief! I thought. I've lost 3lb! This eating more really works!
Then I spotted that someone, presumably with little fingers, had adjusted the setting so zero was no longer at zero. Nope. I've put on 3lb instead.
Maybe they were trying to make me feel better about myself?
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Sometimes I'm just stupid.
I really should kick myself. I am just absolutely stupid sometimes. I try so hard and then let myself muck it up in one easy snack-fest. [Insert expletives of your choice here.]
I had my first meeting with my new Health Adviser this week. Max had forgotten to send me the time of the appointment, so I spent a happy half an hour phoning all the medical centres in the district trying to find out where and when I should turn up. My local surgery and the local hospital claimed never to have heard of Health Trainers, despite having referred me to them in the first place. I was starting to wonder if I'd slipped into an alternative reality, where I'd imagined the past year of meetings.
Max's replacement is a genial woman, who seems keen to get it right. She is shorter and younger than me, with the secondary characteristics of PCOS, tattoos and a love of heavy metal - in other words, not at all what I was expecting. (No offence intended, Ms Sabbath, if you're reading this.)
Ms Sabbath knows a lot about mental health issues, autism and how Weight Watchers works. We went over the old ground and I told her how well I've been doing since I read Kessler's book. I have had three weeks where I haven't touched anything fatty, salty or sugary really. I've been out doing exercise virtually daily and I am a virtuous little fairy. I look great on paper!
She looked at my fabulous list of marvellousness and suggested that I don't eat enough and hence my body is in 'starvation' mode. Before I dismiss this out of hand, let's go through the evidence:
FOR
1. Several people have suggested this, particularly as I get so abnormally hungry if I cut down food even a little bit. This suggests I am working at the lower limit of food intake and cannot reduce it any further easily.
2. I do a lot of exercise.
3. I don't actually lose any weight
AGAINST
1. I get heavier if I eat more.
2. I'm not actually hungry most of the time.
3. I undoubtably lie to myself and other people about the amount of food I eat and how bad for me it is. Fat people are notorious for doing this.
4. I do a lot of exercise, but not much of it is very vigorous. Again, fat people lie about how much they think they do. I am probably decieving myself regarding how fit I am. Certainly, people look at me and make assumptions that I wouldn't want to do/try certain physical activities (because I'm a fat momma [unspoken comment]).
I still come down on the side of 'against'. So, anyway, Ms Sabbath went away to do lots of research having made me promise to try to eat more.
This is where the stupid part comes in. Telling a foody they need to eat more is like telling an alcoholic to drink more. Carte blanche in the food stakes means a lot of calories of chocolate laden sin - biscuits, chocolate, crisps, ice cream - all the stuff I haven't even looked at for the past three weeks. Why? Because someone told me to eat.
I can't tell you how angry I am with myself. Like a heroin user, who just had a fix waved in front of their nose, I am now back to square one, trying to fight the demons of addiction. Just like the drug-user, I have topped up my Pavlovian 'automatic response' circuits and I will now crave junk food all over again. [Insert more forceful expletives of your choice here.]
Yes, I know Ms Sabbath didn't tell me to stuff myself with a week's worth of calories made from sugar, fat and salt, but that's what I did. By the 'starvation' mode theory, I should lose ten pounds overnight.
And I didn't go to my exercise class, either.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I had my first meeting with my new Health Adviser this week. Max had forgotten to send me the time of the appointment, so I spent a happy half an hour phoning all the medical centres in the district trying to find out where and when I should turn up. My local surgery and the local hospital claimed never to have heard of Health Trainers, despite having referred me to them in the first place. I was starting to wonder if I'd slipped into an alternative reality, where I'd imagined the past year of meetings.
Max's replacement is a genial woman, who seems keen to get it right. She is shorter and younger than me, with the secondary characteristics of PCOS, tattoos and a love of heavy metal - in other words, not at all what I was expecting. (No offence intended, Ms Sabbath, if you're reading this.)
Ms Sabbath knows a lot about mental health issues, autism and how Weight Watchers works. We went over the old ground and I told her how well I've been doing since I read Kessler's book. I have had three weeks where I haven't touched anything fatty, salty or sugary really. I've been out doing exercise virtually daily and I am a virtuous little fairy. I look great on paper!
She looked at my fabulous list of marvellousness and suggested that I don't eat enough and hence my body is in 'starvation' mode. Before I dismiss this out of hand, let's go through the evidence:
FOR
1. Several people have suggested this, particularly as I get so abnormally hungry if I cut down food even a little bit. This suggests I am working at the lower limit of food intake and cannot reduce it any further easily.
2. I do a lot of exercise.
3. I don't actually lose any weight
AGAINST
1. I get heavier if I eat more.
2. I'm not actually hungry most of the time.
3. I undoubtably lie to myself and other people about the amount of food I eat and how bad for me it is. Fat people are notorious for doing this.
4. I do a lot of exercise, but not much of it is very vigorous. Again, fat people lie about how much they think they do. I am probably decieving myself regarding how fit I am. Certainly, people look at me and make assumptions that I wouldn't want to do/try certain physical activities (because I'm a fat momma [unspoken comment]).
I still come down on the side of 'against'. So, anyway, Ms Sabbath went away to do lots of research having made me promise to try to eat more.
This is where the stupid part comes in. Telling a foody they need to eat more is like telling an alcoholic to drink more. Carte blanche in the food stakes means a lot of calories of chocolate laden sin - biscuits, chocolate, crisps, ice cream - all the stuff I haven't even looked at for the past three weeks. Why? Because someone told me to eat.
I can't tell you how angry I am with myself. Like a heroin user, who just had a fix waved in front of their nose, I am now back to square one, trying to fight the demons of addiction. Just like the drug-user, I have topped up my Pavlovian 'automatic response' circuits and I will now crave junk food all over again. [Insert more forceful expletives of your choice here.]
Yes, I know Ms Sabbath didn't tell me to stuff myself with a week's worth of calories made from sugar, fat and salt, but that's what I did. By the 'starvation' mode theory, I should lose ten pounds overnight.
And I didn't go to my exercise class, either.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
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