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Too Good to Miss

A must read, for all those confused by food fads.
Click here for link to original article.

Reproduced below:

FAT CAUSES FAT
by The Daily Mash.

23-06-10

THE fat that is in food could be the same as the fat that is in people, experts claimed last night. A tower of deadly beige Calling for a ban on food fat, researchers said that millions of consumers were eating it without even knowing that it could be the same stuff that makes up 90% of their bottoms. Julian Cook, from Reading University, said: "It does seem to be mainly beige foods, like pie and crisps and chips and I suspect that's where we've been going wrong. "For decades it was assumed that it was the beige that was making everyone so fat. That's why we advised people to stop eating sand and waxed pine furniture. "Plus, Fern Britton wears a lot of beige, so it wasn't like we were just guessing." He added: "We did some lab tests by putting tracksuit bottoms on a monkey, but that proved inconclusive. It was then that I turned to my enormous lab assistant Roy in exasperation, but he said he was too busy eating a load of chips and crisps. "On a hunch, I asked Roy if he ate a lot of crisps and he said yes, he liked all food that contained 'fat'. It's not often scientists get to say 'eureka', but I did feel as if I had just cracked a large one. "We're currently working very hard to find out what 'fat' is, but it does sound very similar to 'fat' and is even spelled the same way. And as you know, scientists don't believe in coincidence. Not really big ones anyway." Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: "It sounds like some crazy superstition. But on the other hand, they are experts. I'm torn." And cake enthusiast Stephen Malley added: "If you could see my belly button you'd notice it doesn't still have have an umbilical cord attached and that's because I wasn't born yesterday. "It's caused by beige. Even a child knows that."

Still Crazy After All These Years.

OK, so I was trying to give up sugar. I was doing quite well for a few days. I swapped the 30% sugar muesli bar in my lunchbox for a banana. Joe (my man) managed to find me some zero sugar yogurt that was edible, if a little grainy. Things trundled along for a couple of days until yesterday.

I tend to eat lunch huddled against a computer screen, trying to get things done in the limited time available. It also stops me eating the biscuits that are always available in the staffroom. Anyway, I don't pay a lot of attention to what I'm eating. Time is short. I did get to the end of my lunchbox yesterday feeling "Was that it?" but in the absence of anything left to eat, I just got on with the lessons and thought no more about it.

Oh dear. After work there was a meeting. By 4pm my stomach was starting to hurt, but I couldn't understand why. By 4.45pm I was nearly doubled over with the pain and couldn't wait to get out of there.

I cancelled meeting my friend for an exercise class, scoffed several of the staffroom biscuits and drove straight to the supermarket. OK, I'm not proud of it, but the pain was so bad. Sandwich, muesli bar, banana, malt loaf, orange juice and still the pain hadn't gone. My stomach was bloated full of wind and swollen like a beach ball. The food helped, but it didn't make it go away. It had gone too far for that.

When I got home I drank half a litre of water and ate some Cheerios.

I couldn't understand it. Was the pain hunger, or gall stones, or was my skirt was too tight or hadn't I drunk enough all day or had I eaten the wrong things? Six hours later I was still suffering. I shouldn't be that hungry, I'd eaten the same the day before and not had any bad effects.

Finally Joe came home and told me he had just put salad in my sandwich, instead of chicken or cheese (stupid me, hadn't noticed).

So I'd missed out on my usual muesli bar, the calories in the yogurt and to top it all I'd had no filling in my sandwich. Add to that a long meeting and you have a recipe for disaster.

This is why I don't stick to diets.

They hurt.

The bad news is, the progress I had made in cutting out sugar has all been undone because today I am still sore and wanting to put nice things into my abused body (like ice-cream and Jaffa cakes) to make sure it doesn't have to deal with the pain of hunger again.

One step forwards, two steps back. :o(

I must have FRUIT!

Anyone remember that film from about 1980 called the Time Bandits? A bunch of irreverent, rat-eating dwarves stole the blueprint of the universe from God and spent the film trying to escape from his omnipresence by jumping through holes in the space-time continuum. Don't worry, it made sense at the time.

Anyway, these itinerant dwarves hurtled across time and space and, no matter when or where they went, for some reason they always ended up landing on or otherwise messing up the plans of various characters played by Michael Palin. In one scene, possibly memorable only to people like me, who have seen the film too many times, Palin ends up tied to a tree with his lady-friend.

He pulls a mildly panicked face, as though he is about to soil his breeches, and says

"The old trouble is starting again!"

"Oh dear!" says the lady friend, resignedly.

Palin then pulls a face that only a mother could love and cries out

"I must have FRUIT!"



Well, I have been eating a lot of fruit, as a substitute for sugar, this week. I dread to think what it is doing to my insides. How many bananas, pears, apples and kiwis do I need to eat before I get to pay the price?

Let's face it, much more of this and I think that old trouble will be catching up with me, too!

Sugar Free?

Today I went sugar free, as much as is possible without baking my own bread or something.

Sugar free oats made into porridge with semi-skimmed milk and a handful of raisins.
Tea, milk, no sugar
Benecol yogurt drink
2 slices of poppy seed bread with margarine
2 apples, 1 banana, 1 pear
Sparkling water
Chicken pesto sandwich
Shepherd's pie with peas.

Emotional effects? None that I have noticed. Will see how tomorrow goes.

A Message from Max

Max sent me some important health advice...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Fat Woman Slim

Do I really eat too much? Answers on a deep-fried post card please!

Yesterday, I ate.... Hang on! This sounds like that memory game where you have to remember what everyone went to the shop and bought. The list just keeps getting longer (for the shopping game, not yesterday's meals).

1 bowl of sugar-free Swiss style museli (museli volume around size of fist)
semi-skimmed milk
Benecol
numerous cups of tea (milk, no sugar)
2 apples
8 Jaffa cakes
2 slices of baguette (flat, about the size of my palm), toasted with jam and marg
some knobbles of Cheddar cheese, size totalling 1 x 1 x 7 cm
3 light strawberry mousse tubs (about 95 cals each)
mashed potato (size of fist, maybe slightly larger)
carrots and French beans
chicken (maybe less than size of fist)
water

Thats it. I also spent an hour messing around with the kids in the swimming pool - no, not exactly exercise, but movement nonetheless.

This is a fairly typical day. Yes, I know the Jaffa cakes and mousse are bad, but am I REALLY eating too much? Do slim people actually eat less than this?